I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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