It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
