he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
