i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
