i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just pee around me
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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