In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
