I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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