I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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