i'm lost and i look like a hooker
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
porn star boner night. come get it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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