I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
