I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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