she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
