You don't have asthma, your pregnant
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
