I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
