Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
