I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
