afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
