Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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