Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
