I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
