you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My ass is underappreciated
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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