if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
