This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Can I color on your dick again?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
