i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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