my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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