Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
