I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
