I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
