He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
