remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
