if i can run in heels then i can drive
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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