i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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