know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
whose parrot is this?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
