when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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