Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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