How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
