12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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