what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
