My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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