At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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