You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
