so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
