I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
