i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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