my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
