at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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