I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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