don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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