were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
