i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
