Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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